26 lessons in 26 years of life

I figured that since I've recently turned 26 that I'd take some time to share 26 things that I've learned along the way. I certainly have a lot left to learn but here's what I've got so far:


1. Jesus changes everything.


2. I am loved... Even when I don't feel it.

3. I am seen... Even when no one notices me or responds back.

4. I am known... Even when I think no one can understand me.
☝️ And I no longer feel the need to fight for any of those things because I realize that I already am loved, seen and known... but need to be reminded of it daily.

5. Life hurts; keep going anyway.

6. People will disappoint and sometimes it's excruciatingly painful. However, it's life. Give them grace, they're dealing with stuff too (stress, work, family, travel, etc)… or they just don't know what to do so they stay silent. Give them grace anyway... But don't be afraid to ask for what you need or even for help.

7. It's important I give myself grace as I learn to trust Jesus to pick up the pieces of my broken life.

8. Childhood emotional neglect is a real thing and many adults are suffering because of it and few know it. Be kind to them. It's not easy to undo the first years of our lives and rebuild something better... It doesn't happen overnight or as quickly as I'd like. But it will happen in time.

💕

9. Be quick to give grace.

10. Shut up and LISTEN. You can speak later. 

11. The gospel is POWERFUL 🔥💯

12. You have a voice; let it be heard.

13. Don't bury your hope. Keep going.

14. Be intentional about being with Jesus.

15. Talk to Jesus before sending that text/pushing 'talk'. #notetoself

16. I don't have a clue what I'm doing.... but I choose to trust Him that I won't screw it up.

17. Go to counseling... it's good for you.

18. I'm allowed to say "No"

19. Trust God.

20. My fatherlessness doesn't define me.

21. I don't want to care if people remember me; I just want them to know Jesus.

22. PRAY. PRAY. PRAY. Then pray some more.... Repeat.

23. Take breaks from social media often. It's good for you.

24. Your emotions are valid & they matter. Just don't let them take the wheel. Ever.

25. LISTEN to those who are wise.

26. There is purpose in and for the waiting.

Welcome To Midnight - Part TWO (3 Years Later...)

Can I just be real for a minute? This brand of midnight is overstaying its welcome.

I haven't been writing nearly as often as I desire and the truth is, I haven't honestly felt like myself in so long. It has been one year now since I last seen/heard from my Dad, I have never felt so strongly than I do now that this is a season from the pit of Hell; that's how much agony my heart is in.

In the post I wrote last year (2015), I shared some things that terrified me to be so open about. But if I can be brave with my story, then maybe someone else can be with theirs too.

I don't know what your 2015 looked like but I'm believing God for a better 2016. Maybe last years events will start to make sense soon. At least I hope. And even if I don't see the reason for another five years, I will choose to trust Him to work it together for my good and His glory. Through these trials, my faith has been tested and grown stronger as a result. Last year felt like pure Hell on earth; I hated it. Twenty-fifteen has been written down as the absolute hardest year that I have ever had to go through... Right next to 2010.

While I hate these really dark valley seasons of my life, these are the exact ones I look back on and am thankful for...but in the midst of the valley, it's hard to be thankful. I'm still learning to just trust Him. 

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The above was written in January 2016. It is now December 2018. I don't know why what I wrote was just sitting as a draft and wasn't ever posted. It has been a rough journey and I still have so much further to go. Sometimes I don't know how to keep going but I refuse to give up, no matter how many times or how hard I fall. I will not give up. Not til I'm called Home. There's still so much to do and I don't want to lose sight because there's so much hope I have... and that's only because of Jesus.

I'm honestly so thankful.

Also, if you're hurting, I hope this new song by Ledger gives you the courage to fight on.... You're not dead yet! Keep going.

Katelyn

Welcome to Midnight

I hate midnight. I hate it more when I feel like crap. I'm a night owl and right now, I wish I wasn't. Midnight seems to be the time where I'm reminded of everything that has caused my heart and my emotions and thoughts to be where they are now. I wrestle between wanting to be accepted and wanting to be honest about my own brokenness. I don't have it together and I never will and I don't want to be fake and act as if I do. I wonder if it's okay to just be honest and broken and to just admit that I need help. That I need other people. It kinda makes me feel weak - like I'm not supposed to feel or admit those things. Anything but those things. I feel like I'm being told "C'mon! You're in your early twenties. Get it together! No one wants to hear this. Write something else!" But I have nothing else worth writing about. I long to see God use my brokenness to point others to Him. It may be awkward and I may lose friends or followers or whatever...but that's okay because it's worth it all.

It doesn't feel like it's okay to say that your heart is broken and that right now, life is just confusing. It's definitely not what i had in mind for my early twenties. And I know what Romans 8:28 says and that it'll all work out... i know. But let me crush the stigma that shouts at me to just keep quiet and to just come right out and boldly say that i'm not okay. Don't get me wrong, I do have good days and I'm thankful for them when they come. It's hard for me to be this honest (and even harder to even then possibly be ignored), but as someone who doesn't want to be fake, authenticity is important to me. These past few months have just been hard...emotionally and mentally. I don't know if i can narrow it down to just one reason because it seems like there are at least a thousand. It feels hopeless to say what those things are... but i feel that it's important for them to be said, even though it hurts like hell. So i will share those here below....

• For quite a few months, I was verbally and emotionally abused and it hurt like hell. Abuse, by definition, is to use something or someone for a purpose in which it was never designed for. Abuse is the systematic suffocation of another person's spirit....and they don't even have to lay a finger on you to do some severe damage to you and to the way you think and live. Out of respect, I will not mention who is the guilty one because i'm not out to ruin them in any way. I only pray for them (I haven't been the greatest at doing that, but now is a pretty good time to start). I do refuse to be quiet about abuse because if I don't say anything about it, it'll hurt me more and it's done enough damage already. Now, is my time to heal.
• My Dad thinks it's okay to, after 10 months of not saying a word to me and a life-time of never really being there at all, to just pop in and tell me he's getting married again and that's not even what hurt. What hurt was that there is this massive elephant in the room and it just felt like in that moment, that I wasn't his daughter because he acted like everything was perfectly okay and I was his friend. He didn't care. He'll probably never say sorry.
• I don't have any godly men in my life anywhere and for the life of me, I can't figure out why no one has stepped in. It has been extremely hard to fight to get to where I am today because of this void. I know that God is surely good and that He takes great care of those who are His. He has kept me safe and I trust Him with my life. I rest in Him when life feels restless and when it's all good. And I know I'll be okay.

Typing out what you just read, scares me. I don't know what kind of responses I will get for letting my heart bleed through the tips of my fingers. I can only hope for encouragement and support and for people to just let me know that I'm still worth fighting for. But I am not in control of how you respond. I just know that I'm willing to be vulnerable and that can get me hurt more. Maybe being honest isn't the safest option, but I believe it's the best one I have. I could be fake but God made me to be me and that is exactly what I will live my life being....me. And if I'm willing to be honest, then maybe someone else can find the courage to do it too. I know that in this world, there will be trouble and hardships of many kinds. But please, don't give up! God is with you and He is for you. Please, keep fighting! I'm writing to remind you that you are worth fighting for! You are worth loving! You are worth it all! This life is hard but keep fighting. I believe in you.

I don't know what your story is, but whatever it is - it matters. all of it matters. you matter. I pray for you. I pray that you will find freedom and healing through sharing your story. I pray you know you are loved. God loves you so much. He sent His son for you as a display of His love. You matter to Him and you matter to me. Please, keep fighting. your story is still being written. you won't be on this page in your life forever. Chapters end and seasons change. I pray you smile and that you feel loved...because you are. You are so loved.

And for those are being reached out to - don't turn your back on someone who needs you to be that friend for them! and please do more than just throw a bible verse at them that you think fits their situation. Love when it's hard. love when it's awkward. love when you don't have an answer or yet another verse for them... and let them know that they are loved and worth fighting for and that their story matters. That they still matter. Don't give up on them and don't you give up on you either. Keep going when all is said and done. It's worth it. It's all worth it. I hope you know you can be honest and it's okay to ask for help.

Before you go, I want to leave you with a few pictures I took while reading the book If You Feel Too Much and two songs that I listen to when life just feels like too much to bear. They are reminders to keep going, to keep breathing.... I pray that you are encouraged and use it to encourage someone else.

"We are quick with our answers and slow to confess our questions, maybe slower even still to meet other people in theirs."

Goodnight all. I love you all and I pray for you to continue when you feel like stopping. I pray that you know you are worth fighting for. Jesus loves you and so do i.

- Katelyn

Undaunted Hope: Jesus Is Greater

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted

and saves those who are crushed in Spirit."

Psalm 34:18

"He heals the brokenhearted and binds

up their wounds."

Psalm 147:3

UNDAUNTED

1. Undismayed; not discouraged; not forced to abandon purpose or effort

2. Undiminished in courage or valor; not giving way to fear; intrepid
"Although outnumbered, he was undaunted."

HOPE

Basically wishful thinking... Except for Christians, the meaning is different. The biblical definition of hope is "confident expectation." 

It feels so freeing to be writing once more. I'm incredibly thankful for how far God has brought me over the past several years. Given everything that has happened in the past several months, I never thought I'd be at this point but am so thankful I am. Even before entering that season over a year ago, I was convinced that I'd be strong enough to push through it. I had too much confidence in myself at that moment and failed to realize, until a bit later, that I wasn't capable on my own. I felt like I was in the fight of my life, not against another person, but against the enemy of my soul. He wanted to take me out and the only way to fight back was to keep turning to Jesus and the Word. I wasn't strong enough, but His strength through me was more than enough.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.

Ephesians 6:12,13

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

2 Corinthians 12:9

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

James 1:2-4

When going through trials, you can count it as pure joy, not because you're thrilled to be struggling (you aren't) but because you can rejoice in the wonderful truth that you're not alone; Jesus is right there with you. This is the truth I am reminded of with every trial; He is with me, always. Joy is different than happiness. Happiness is circumstantial and joy is a fruit of the Spirit that only comes from a personal relationship with Jesus.

 Choosing to receive joy from Jesus doesn't mean that you bury your head in the sand and never acknowledge what's going on around and deep within you. You can still face the trials head on and grow/heal through them and consider it pure joy. It's difficult but not impossible. For me, I've had several days within the past year that were extremely rough and the only "joy" that I considered from those days was that God is still good, He is still with me and I'm still here. That alone proved to be enough. There were numerous days/nights where I swear I could feel my heart literally breaking and in moments like that, I found myself praying (felt like begging at times) for God to put me to sleep or to just take me home. It was a really dark time in my life.

But we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Romans 5:3-5

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.

Romans 8:28

I've been through what felt like hell before and even then, I didn't feel that any good could come from it. I was wrong and I'm wrong about feeling that way towards what I just went through and am now out of but the effects linger and I'm learning that I am more than what was spoken over me. I no longer have to remain a victim to my pain or to my past. No matter what happens, Jesus is greater and freedom is mine. I am not a victim; I am an overcomer. I will live with undaunted hope in the God I serve; Even if I go through what feels like hell again, I will not give up. My life is a battle worth fighting for.

I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't ever trusted in Jesus and had gone through these many trials apart from Him. Without Him and the healing that He's already done, I wouldn't have pictures and a personal story quite like this one below to share. I truly believe that Jesus is greater than my greatest heartbreak and disappointment.

I do pictures like this often. A part of me loves to look back and see all that God has done. Yes, I've been incredibly heartbroken and that played a huge roll in why I, for the most part, never smiled in pictures. I was hurt. I didn't believe that someone like me could be beautiful or loved deeply. I pulled a lot of the way I felt from the absence of my Dad. It's tough to go through, and tougher to face the pain and the anger I felt towards him but I eventually did face it a couple years after I trusted Christ. I surrendered my life to Christ in late 2008 and was healed in 2010. I grew up in church but I've only been a Christian since '08. Church is not why I'm a Christian. Jesus is. Plain and simple. On that transformative night, I met a Father who will never leave me nor forsake me. He loves me deeply and says I'm beautiful. I finally believe that for myself. It's been ROUGH but God is good. I handed over my pain of feeling fatherless and continue to do that today because I had my Grandpa who stepped in but he went to be with Jesus 8/25/2013 and I was torn. The enemy tries so hard to get me to believe I'm fatherless, unloved, unwanted and not beautiful but he's a liar! I have a faithful Father who watches over me and is very attentive to my life. I won't suger coat anything. If you don't know Jesus, would you be willing to enter into a relationship with him? I'm not preaching religion. Just Jesus.

I pray that this has encouraged you in some way. Let me know what God has done in your life below in the comments. I love you all and I hope that God has made my mess of writing an encouragement to you. :]


Katelyn