Forgiveness [It Truly Is Beautiful.] ♥

It all started with a simple text message (March 15th, 2010) that clearly wasn't meant for me to see. And I truly wish I wouldn't have picked mom's phone up that night. I remember everything from that point on like it was yesterday. Here's the story: mom and her friend went inside the place where my mom worked, and I was in the car waiting for them to come back. As I was waiting, someone [my grandpa] sent mom a text message and so I thought it'd be nice for me to get her phone and hand it to her inside. And while I was walking inside the building, I clicked 'View'. Really really bad idea. My jaw dropped, questions soared and tears flowed. When I looked up, mom's face said it all "Oh no. She knows." Later that night, mom told me that basically everyone knew and not a single one of them wanted me to find out from anyone else except from the one who needed to tell me. Why? well, because it wouldn't be right not to and I'm the sensitive one.

[Never did I think I'd be the last one to know. Never did I want my worst fear to come alive.]

After I handed her her phone, I couldn't say anything. The world just fell on my shoulders. So I went back to the car and just asked God "Why?! How could you possibly let this happen to me?"
I know that God gave me a brain and a choice to make. He told me not to look at it. But it was my choice, not His, to not listen. I mean, I wasn't thinking that this would ever happen. I can't and don't blame God for what happened. He gave me the choice to make. . knowing fully and understanding completely what and just how much heartache would come of it and just how long it all would last. [6 months]

I knew that going through all of that would change me, but it would never have the power to change who God is. He was [and still is] faithful. He was [and always will be] there when it truly felt like every single person I know had just walked out on me. I know that now, when we're in a lot of pain it's so easy to become convinced that we're not wanted. Those are just lies from the enemy. and now, I'm not buying into him or his clever schemes to pull me away from God and who I am in Him. He can most certainly try, but greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world. (1 John 4:4)

I will say that during that time in my life, I did buy into Satan's lies. And they held me down. I couldn't get out of what I was facing. Unless, I allowed God to heal me and to set me free. I knew that if I were to continue to live my life all out for God, it was majorly important that I let go of all that I was holding in. It was keeping me from moving on and I just had to get past it. I had the choice not to move on, but no matter how much it would hurt to get past, I wasn't going to spend the rest of my life in that pain. It simply wasn't going to happen. And it didn't.

Someone, on a note that I had written in August [a week or two before God healed my heart] on Facebook[I deleted the note, so don't go looking for it.] commented and told me to go and talk to someone. So I took her advice, and went.[I hated her telling me that so bluntly, but I appreciate the bluntness more than ever! I still remember who told me, her name is Tessa.. Seriously, thank you a million times over Tessa.] I've never faced so much hurt and anger in my life before.. it honestly scared me, because at that moment, it was no longer in me, it was in a sense right in front of me. and at that moment, I knew I wasn't going to be the same.. and I'm never going back to before.

I've never been so grateful to know such an awesome God and to have some awesome friends like Tessa. If it weren't for God, I don't think I'd be here typing this or even breathing for that matter. But I am typing this, and I'm positive I'm breathing. Ha. (: But since this God is amazing and His love is unconditional, I will not keep Him a secret. I want to live my life all out for God no matter the cost. His love set me free from so much. I won't keep quiet. (: