It doesn't feel like it's okay to say that your heart is broken and that right now, life is just confusing. It's definitely not what i had in mind for my early twenties. And I know what Romans 8:28 says and that it'll all work out... i know. But let me crush the stigma that shouts at me to just keep quiet and to just come right out and boldly say that i'm not okay. Don't get me wrong, I do have good days and I'm thankful for them when they come. It's hard for me to be this honest (and even harder to even then possibly be ignored), but as someone who doesn't want to be fake, authenticity is important to me. These past few months have just been hard...emotionally and mentally. I don't know if i can narrow it down to just one reason because it seems like there are at least a thousand. It feels hopeless to say what those things are... but i feel that it's important for them to be said, even though it hurts like hell. So i will share those here below....
- For quite a few months, I was verbally and emotionally abused and it hurt like hell. Abuse, by definition, is to use something or someone for a purpose in which it was never designed for. Abuse is the systematic suffocation of another person's spirit....and they don't even have to lay a finger on you to do some severe damage to you and to the way you think and live. Out of respect, I will not mention who is the guilty one because i'm not out to ruin them in any way. I only pray for them (I haven't been the greatest at doing that, but now is a pretty good time to start). I do refuse to be quiet about abuse because if I don't say anything about it, it'll hurt me more and it's done enough damage already. Now, is my time to heal.
- My Dad thinks it's okay to, after 10 months of not saying a word to me and a life-time of never really being there at all, to just pop in and tell me he's getting married again and that's not even what hurt. What hurt was that there is this massive elephant in the room and it just felt like in that moment, that I wasn't his daughter because he acted like everything was perfectly okay and I was his friend. He didn't care. He'll probably never say sorry.
- I don't have any godly men in my life anywhere and for the life of me, I can't figure out why no one has stepped in. It has been extremely hard to fight to get to where I am today because of this void. I know that God is surely good and that He takes great care of those who are His. He has kept me safe and I trust Him with my life. I rest in Him when life feels restless and when it's all good. And I know I'll be okay.
Typing out what you just read, scares me. I don't know what kind of responses I will get for letting my heart bleed through the tips of my fingers. I can only hope for encouragement and support and for people to just let me know that I'm still worth fighting for. But I am not in control of how you respond. I just know that I'm willing to be vulnerable and that can get me hurt more. Maybe being honest isn't the safest option, but I believe it's the best one I have. I could be fake but God made me to be me and that is exactly what I will live my life being....me. And if I'm willing to be honest, then maybe someone else can find the courage to do it too. I know that in this world, there will be trouble and hardships of many kinds. But please, don't give up! God is with you and He is for you. Please, keep fighting! I'm writing to remind you that you are worth fighting for! You are worth loving! You are worth it all! This life is hard but keep fighting. I believe in you.
I don't know what your story is, but whatever it is - it matters. all of it matters. you matter. I pray for you. I pray that you will find freedom and healing through sharing your story. I pray you know you are loved. God loves you so much. He sent His son for you as a display of His love. You matter to Him and you matter to me. Please, keep fighting. your story is still being written. you won't be on this page in your life forever. Chapters end and seasons change. I pray you smile and that you feel loved...because you are. You are so loved.
And for those are being reached out to - don't turn your back on someone who needs you to be that friend for them! and please do more than just throw a bible verse at them that you think fits their situation. Love when it's hard. love when it's awkward. love when you don't have an answer or yet another verse for them... and let them know that they are loved and worth fighting for and that their story matters. That they still matter. Don't give up on them and don't you give up on you either. Keep going when all is said and done. It's worth it. It's all worth it. I hope you know you can be honest and it's okay to ask for help.
Before you go, I want to leave you with a few pictures I took while reading the book If You Feel Too Much and two songs that I listen to when life just feels like too much to bear. They are reminders to keep going, to keep breathing.... I pray that you are encouraged and use it to encourage someone else.
"We are quick with our answers and slow to confess our questions, maybe slower even still to meet other people in theirs."
Goodnight all. I love you all and I pray for you to continue when you feel like stopping. I pray that you know you are worth fighting for. Jesus loves you and so do i.
- Katelyn
