I'm always afraid of being honest with people... I know it doesn't seem to freak me out as much, I mean, I'd rather be honest with someone than lie to them. But I guess that's not the point, I just want to know, what if I'm really honest, and it starts to seem like my heart just spills everywhere onto the page that I'm writing on. Will people take it seriously? I know I'm going to be judged for it, and labeled a Jesus freak for it, and loose what I cherish over this Jesus, (like my friends) but that's okay though, right? I mean, I know it's going to happen and it's going to hurt. I don't know, I just hope I'm ready for what'll come from loving this Jesus more than life, and wanting nothing more than for the world to hear about how great He truly is.
I don't know what will hurt more, loosing friends that I love, or them rejecting the One who wants to give them more than they can possibly ask, and love them more than what could ever be humanly possible. But, I guess that's just one more thing I'm afraid of.. I'm still pondering whether or not it's really worth it? and I know that it is, I just wish it wasn't so difficult and that I didn't have much if anything to lose. I could lose my life over this... But whose to say that won't happen in America? Certainly not me.. I'm sure people have been killed over this here. It wouldn't be a shocker, would it?
It seems to me, that lately, I've been struggling with that sense of feeling like I actually have a purpose here. Of course, I know I have one. I'm not into buying all that weird stuff like you "live" and then you die... and that's it. It seems like with that message, that you're only existing, not living, and that it doesn't matter what you do now... There's just gotta be more to life than than just existing. I don't want to just exist, I want to live. Like really live. I'm so sick and tired of going through the motions of life. Game face off. I'm done faking, and this is me. I want to be real. I want to be closer to the One who made me. I want to be unashamed of Jesus.. I want to live out the purpose He gave me.
I don't want to get caught up in going through the motions of life so much that I miss the point. That's not what life's about...
I may be still struggling with finding my purpose here on this earth, but if one things for sure. I love my Jesus more than anything... and I know He'll never fail me. So whatever I'm struggling with, I know that He loves me. and that if I just let go, He'll take care of me. I know this. and I pray you know this too.
Remember:: Don't get so caught in the motions of life and forget your purpose. Live for Him. Live out the purpose He gave you... I know it involves making disciples who make disciples.. :)
ohh and He's forever faithful.
"Then Jesus came to them (his disciples) and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” " -Matthew 28:18-20 :)
"So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." -Isaiah 41:10
"“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” " - John 16:33
"However, as it is written:
"no eye has seen, no ear has heard,
and no human mind has conceived the things God has prepared for those who love him" - 1 Corinthians 2:9
"If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. 19 If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. 20 Remember what I told you: ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’[b] If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also. 21 They will treat you this way because of my name, for they do not know the one who sent me. 22 If I had not come and spoken to them, they would not be guilty of sin; but now they have no excuse for their sin. 23 Whoever hates me hates my Father as well. 24 If I had not done among them the works no one else did, they would not be guilty of sin. As it is, they have seen, and yet they have hated both me and my Father. 25 But this is to fulfill what is written in their Law: ‘They hated me without reason.’" - John 15:18-25
"he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything. Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else." - Acts 17:25. Don't take the supernatural out of salvation. It is Jesus and Jesus alone who saves. We can't save anyone, let alone ourselves.
And remember, take your text and make a beeline to the cross. (Spurgeon)
If sinners be damned, at least let them leap to Hell over our bodies. If they will perish, let them perish with our arms about their knees. Let no one go there unwarned and unprayed for. - Spurgeon.
Oh! men and brethren, what would this heart feel if I could but believe that there were some among you who would go home and pray for a revival men whose faith is large enough, and their love fiery enough to lead them from this moment to exercise unceasing intercessions that God would appear among us and do wondrous things here, as in the times of former generations. - Spurgeon.
Groanings which cannot be uttered are often prayers which cannot be refused. - Spurgeon.
Shall I give you yet another reason why you should pray? I have preached my very heart out. I could not say any more than I have said. Will not your prayers accomplish that which my preaching fails to do? Is it not likely that the Church has been putting forth its preaching hand but not its praying hand? Oh dear friends! Let us agonize in prayer. - CS.
We should pray when we are in a praying mood, for it would be sinful to neglect so fair an opportunity. We should pray when we are not in a proper mood, for it would be dangerous to remain in so unhealthy a condition. - CS.
Alright, I'll stop quoting spurgeon for now. but his quotes are great.! :) But I hope it blessed you and that you've gotten the point. (: whatever it was. (:
- Kate.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
One Life. Don't Let It Go To Waste..
I guess it's time I be honest before I take this a step further without saying this... I'm not sure how to say this, but at times, I get tired of writing things like this. I honestly do. But I keep hearing from people that this ability that God gave me is helping them in some way.. I'm glad to hear that, so that's reason enough to continue with it. But for the past few weeks, it feels like all I've been doing is just existing... and not truly living. I don't know, but I'm questioning things that I haven't as much as I am now... Like this Campus Ministry thing. I know that I started it and all, but things got alot more complicated than I wanted them to get.
Here's the story, or some of it anyway:
I don't go to that high school anymore, but they said I could continue leading it though. And I really want to, it's just that everyone seems so busy and stressed out with high school that they can't. (Maybe I've given up too soon.) It's a tough job leading it when you go there, and it gets tougher leading it when you don't go there. It's a great mission field and all, but I just don't feel like it's mine anymore... because that's not where I'm at anymore. (I'm in the ACE program thing that's somewhere else in kansas city, and it's great. I'm only there for two hours and fifty minutes each week day and they don't give out homework, ever. and No, I did not start going because I was "interested" and wanted to see about it... It didn't work out like that. There's a personal reason behind it that I, right now, am not going to explain, so please don't ask.)
I still see it as a "mission feild", just not mine anymore... So far, I've said the CM meetings are a no-go til I can figure out if it's the right thing for me to do. I'm a little crushed though, because I didn't want to leave staley, but I had to. That's where my friends are at... Sometimes I think I care too much. I just don't like this. I know what I should do, and it's challenging and risky.
Challenging because I'm a shy teenager caught in a leading role. and risky because I could (and most likely will) lose friends over this Jesus stuff... sigh.
I honestly don't know, I want to continue leading it, but it's not about the meetings. I don't want to just sit and there with the other people and just talk about THE Cause, I want all of us to unashamedly live it out... and stop letting that invisible line determine how far we go, and who we reach out to. ( Iguess, in the words of Lecrae in his song "Battle Song" from his new CD Rehab - The Overdose, I'd say 'God, by all means possible, give me the faith to live and die for the gospel.' ) I don't want to just talk/write about it, I want to live it out. Just like what I said above, I don't want to exist. I want to live, really live.. I'm done going through the motions. Game face off. I want to be real, no more faking. I want to focus on He who made me, and the purpose He gave me. I want to focus on His cause. THE Cause.. I want to be UNashamed of The Great I Am.
This may not be my best writing thus far, and I'm not worried whether you 'like it' or not, I just want it to bless you :)
p.s pray I figure this thing out... or something. It's important, and means tons to me. So please :)
- Kate.
Here's the story, or some of it anyway:
I don't go to that high school anymore, but they said I could continue leading it though. And I really want to, it's just that everyone seems so busy and stressed out with high school that they can't. (Maybe I've given up too soon.) It's a tough job leading it when you go there, and it gets tougher leading it when you don't go there. It's a great mission field and all, but I just don't feel like it's mine anymore... because that's not where I'm at anymore. (I'm in the ACE program thing that's somewhere else in kansas city, and it's great. I'm only there for two hours and fifty minutes each week day and they don't give out homework, ever. and No, I did not start going because I was "interested" and wanted to see about it... It didn't work out like that. There's a personal reason behind it that I, right now, am not going to explain, so please don't ask.)
I still see it as a "mission feild", just not mine anymore... So far, I've said the CM meetings are a no-go til I can figure out if it's the right thing for me to do. I'm a little crushed though, because I didn't want to leave staley, but I had to. That's where my friends are at... Sometimes I think I care too much. I just don't like this. I know what I should do, and it's challenging and risky.
Challenging because I'm a shy teenager caught in a leading role. and risky because I could (and most likely will) lose friends over this Jesus stuff... sigh.
I honestly don't know, I want to continue leading it, but it's not about the meetings. I don't want to just sit and there with the other people and just talk about THE Cause, I want all of us to unashamedly live it out... and stop letting that invisible line determine how far we go, and who we reach out to. ( Iguess, in the words of Lecrae in his song "Battle Song" from his new CD Rehab - The Overdose, I'd say 'God, by all means possible, give me the faith to live and die for the gospel.' ) I don't want to just talk/write about it, I want to live it out. Just like what I said above, I don't want to exist. I want to live, really live.. I'm done going through the motions. Game face off. I want to be real, no more faking. I want to focus on He who made me, and the purpose He gave me. I want to focus on His cause. THE Cause.. I want to be UNashamed of The Great I Am.
This may not be my best writing thus far, and I'm not worried whether you 'like it' or not, I just want it to bless you :)
p.s pray I figure this thing out... or something. It's important, and means tons to me. So please :)
- Kate.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
My Year -2010- In Review...
I don't know where to start with this one... It was an incredibly difficult year. So bear with me on this one, it still hurts. All that comes back, when I think about it, are the memories, but not the feelings of pain and anger. (Thank God.) There are times when thinking about it, makes me cry. There's this feeling that I have inside that's telling to be mad at God and to not trust Him anymore... stupid lies. Of course there are times when I'm upset with God and don't want to trust Him, what'd you expect? Perfection from someone whose fallen, just like you? Expecting perfection from an imperfect person, always fails. Always.
I know two things that are for sure:
1. I do not miss 2010... you've brought me pain, anger, hurt.. you broke my heart, and left it all scard up, but God healed my heart.
2. God never left my side.
"... Never will I leave you; Never will I forsake you." -Hebrews 13:5-
You know, I just have to be honest... I truly did not believe that I'd see 2011 during my time of heartache. If that hurts you, just be glad I'm still here.
I knew I was hurting and was angry, but I never knew how bad it was til I faced it. Man that hurt. It felt like God pulled out a splinter that was only digging its way deeper, and slowly destroying everything that I had. It may have been pretty painful to face, but I knew that without help, I'd never have the strength it took to move on and forgive him for what happened.
If you don't know the story, here it is:
It all started in March (14th, 2010), I was sitting in the car waiting for my mom and her friend to come back to the car so we could leave, and as I was waiting, someone sent my mom a text. (Her phone was in the car) and I tried to be the nice girl, and take it to her... well, just like the teenager that I am, I opened it and read it. - cue jaw dropping and tears falling and questions soaring, here- and I'll be honest, it's still hard to talk about, even in writing. It brings back the memories -but not the feelings- of the pain, the anger, the unbareable long painful, sometimes sleep-less nights.. It was tough. I thought about cutting my wrists.. thought about quiting writing. Because "no one" was hearing my cries.. my silent screams. It makes me cry when I talk about it, but, I take peace and comfort in the fact that that is no more... The 6 months of brokenness over it, is done with. Of course, it still hurts. I'm still human, even if God healed my heart. He didn't heal my broken heart so I could go and pretend like nothing happened, He healed my heart so I could share with others how good God is and that He loves us no matter what. He doesn't love us for what we do, or for what we've been through, He loves us because He made us... each and everyone on of us.. made and loved by a God that we don't deserve to even know... yet alone, love and be used by Him to tell a message of His great, undying love for each and everyone of us... and instead of saying, "I hope you like my story." , I'm going to say I hope you're blessed by it. And I mean that. ♥
maybe my story of brokenness/healing, can restore someone elses' life. Even changing one life, and them turning to Jesus, humbles me.
As much it still hurts to talk about, I've come along way. It is nothing like it was. God showed me that He loves me no matter what. He somehow taught me how to show His love to other people. He showed me that even though I was in pain, I'm so much more than the pain I felt those long sleepless nights. I remember I had one night where I just lost it. I wanted to die so bad... Someone said something that just ripped me apart.. I had my makeup all over my hands from wipping the tears, and normally that gets on my nerves a little when its on my hands, but not that night. I didn't care. I didn't want to care anymore.. It was the worst day of my life.
I didn't like what was being done to me inside... and I couldn't stop it from happening wither. I didn't know what to do that night. I was feeling alot of pain and anger, and so confused about God and if He really was there. I know He was there, because I'm here today thanks to Him and those who helped me through that tough year. I love you guys :)
I hope you're blessed by my story of 2010. :) Of course, there are parts that have been left out or forgoten, but oh well. :)
I know two things that are for sure:
1. I do not miss 2010... you've brought me pain, anger, hurt.. you broke my heart, and left it all scard up, but God healed my heart.
2. God never left my side.
"... Never will I leave you; Never will I forsake you." -Hebrews 13:5-
You know, I just have to be honest... I truly did not believe that I'd see 2011 during my time of heartache. If that hurts you, just be glad I'm still here.
I knew I was hurting and was angry, but I never knew how bad it was til I faced it. Man that hurt. It felt like God pulled out a splinter that was only digging its way deeper, and slowly destroying everything that I had. It may have been pretty painful to face, but I knew that without help, I'd never have the strength it took to move on and forgive him for what happened.
If you don't know the story, here it is:
It all started in March (14th, 2010), I was sitting in the car waiting for my mom and her friend to come back to the car so we could leave, and as I was waiting, someone sent my mom a text. (Her phone was in the car) and I tried to be the nice girl, and take it to her... well, just like the teenager that I am, I opened it and read it. - cue jaw dropping and tears falling and questions soaring, here- and I'll be honest, it's still hard to talk about, even in writing. It brings back the memories -but not the feelings- of the pain, the anger, the unbareable long painful, sometimes sleep-less nights.. It was tough. I thought about cutting my wrists.. thought about quiting writing. Because "no one" was hearing my cries.. my silent screams. It makes me cry when I talk about it, but, I take peace and comfort in the fact that that is no more... The 6 months of brokenness over it, is done with. Of course, it still hurts. I'm still human, even if God healed my heart. He didn't heal my broken heart so I could go and pretend like nothing happened, He healed my heart so I could share with others how good God is and that He loves us no matter what. He doesn't love us for what we do, or for what we've been through, He loves us because He made us... each and everyone on of us.. made and loved by a God that we don't deserve to even know... yet alone, love and be used by Him to tell a message of His great, undying love for each and everyone of us... and instead of saying, "I hope you like my story." , I'm going to say I hope you're blessed by it. And I mean that. ♥
maybe my story of brokenness/healing, can restore someone elses' life. Even changing one life, and them turning to Jesus, humbles me.
As much it still hurts to talk about, I've come along way. It is nothing like it was. God showed me that He loves me no matter what. He somehow taught me how to show His love to other people. He showed me that even though I was in pain, I'm so much more than the pain I felt those long sleepless nights. I remember I had one night where I just lost it. I wanted to die so bad... Someone said something that just ripped me apart.. I had my makeup all over my hands from wipping the tears, and normally that gets on my nerves a little when its on my hands, but not that night. I didn't care. I didn't want to care anymore.. It was the worst day of my life.
I didn't like what was being done to me inside... and I couldn't stop it from happening wither. I didn't know what to do that night. I was feeling alot of pain and anger, and so confused about God and if He really was there. I know He was there, because I'm here today thanks to Him and those who helped me through that tough year. I love you guys :)
I hope you're blessed by my story of 2010. :) Of course, there are parts that have been left out or forgoten, but oh well. :)
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