I guess it's time I be honest before I take this a step further without saying this... I'm not sure how to say this, but at times, I get tired of writing things like this. I honestly do. But I keep hearing from people that this ability that God gave me is helping them in some way.. I'm glad to hear that, so that's reason enough to continue with it. But for the past few weeks, it feels like all I've been doing is just existing... and not truly living. I don't know, but I'm questioning things that I haven't as much as I am now... Like this Campus Ministry thing. I know that I started it and all, but things got alot more complicated than I wanted them to get.
Here's the story, or some of it anyway:
I don't go to that high school anymore, but they said I could continue leading it though. And I really want to, it's just that everyone seems so busy and stressed out with high school that they can't. (Maybe I've given up too soon.) It's a tough job leading it when you go there, and it gets tougher leading it when you don't go there. It's a great mission field and all, but I just don't feel like it's mine anymore... because that's not where I'm at anymore. (I'm in the ACE program thing that's somewhere else in kansas city, and it's great. I'm only there for two hours and fifty minutes each week day and they don't give out homework, ever. and No, I did not start going because I was "interested" and wanted to see about it... It didn't work out like that. There's a personal reason behind it that I, right now, am not going to explain, so please don't ask.)
I still see it as a "mission feild", just not mine anymore... So far, I've said the CM meetings are a no-go til I can figure out if it's the right thing for me to do. I'm a little crushed though, because I didn't want to leave staley, but I had to. That's where my friends are at... Sometimes I think I care too much. I just don't like this. I know what I should do, and it's challenging and risky.
Challenging because I'm a shy teenager caught in a leading role. and risky because I could (and most likely will) lose friends over this Jesus stuff... sigh.
I honestly don't know, I want to continue leading it, but it's not about the meetings. I don't want to just sit and there with the other people and just talk about THE Cause, I want all of us to unashamedly live it out... and stop letting that invisible line determine how far we go, and who we reach out to. ( Iguess, in the words of Lecrae in his song "Battle Song" from his new CD Rehab - The Overdose, I'd say 'God, by all means possible, give me the faith to live and die for the gospel.' ) I don't want to just talk/write about it, I want to live it out. Just like what I said above, I don't want to exist. I want to live, really live.. I'm done going through the motions. Game face off. I want to be real, no more faking. I want to focus on He who made me, and the purpose He gave me. I want to focus on His cause. THE Cause.. I want to be UNashamed of The Great I Am.
This may not be my best writing thus far, and I'm not worried whether you 'like it' or not, I just want it to bless you :)
p.s pray I figure this thing out... or something. It's important, and means tons to me. So please :)
- Kate.
No comments:
Post a Comment