My Year -2010- In Review...

I don't know where to start with this one... It was an incredibly difficult year. So bear with me on this one, it still hurts. All that comes back, when I think about it, are the memories, but not the feelings of pain and anger. (Thank God.) There are times when thinking about it, makes me cry. There's this feeling that I have inside that's telling to be mad at God and to not trust Him anymore... stupid lies. Of course there are times when I'm upset with God and don't want to trust Him, what'd you expect? Perfection from someone whose fallen, just like you? Expecting perfection from an imperfect person, always fails. Always.

I know two things that are for sure:

1. I do not miss 2010... you've brought me pain, anger, hurt.. you broke my heart, and left it all scard up, but God healed my heart.

2. God never left my side.

"... Never will I leave you; Never will I forsake you." -Hebrews 13:5-

You know, I just have to be honest... I truly did not believe that I'd see 2011 during my time of heartache. If that hurts you, just be glad I'm still here.
I knew I was hurting and was angry, but I never knew how bad it was til I faced it. Man that hurt. It felt like God pulled out a splinter that was only digging its way deeper, and slowly destroying everything that I had. It may have been pretty painful to face, but I knew that without help, I'd never have the strength it took to move on and forgive him for what happened.

If you don't know the story, here it is:

It all started in March (14th, 2010), I was sitting in the car waiting for my mom and her friend to come back to the car so we could leave, and as I was waiting, someone sent my mom a text. (Her phone was in the car) and I tried to be the nice girl, and take it to her... well, just like the teenager that I am, I opened it and read it. - cue jaw dropping and tears falling and questions soaring, here- and I'll be honest, it's still hard to talk about, even in writing. It brings back the memories -but not the feelings- of the pain, the anger, the unbareable long painful, sometimes sleep-less nights.. It was tough. I thought about cutting my wrists.. thought about quiting writing. Because "no one" was hearing my cries.. my silent screams. It makes me cry when I talk about it, but, I take peace and comfort in the fact that that is no more... The 6 months of brokenness over it, is done with. Of course, it still hurts. I'm still human, even if God healed my heart. He didn't heal my broken heart so I could go and pretend like nothing happened, He healed my heart so I could share with others how good God is and that He loves us no matter what. He doesn't love us for what we do, or for what we've been through, He loves us because He made us... each and everyone on of us.. made and loved by a God that we don't deserve to even know... yet alone, love and be used by Him to tell a message of His great, undying love for each and everyone of us... and instead of saying, "I hope you like my story." , I'm going to say I hope you're blessed by it. And I mean that. ♥

maybe my story of brokenness/healing, can restore someone elses' life. Even changing one life, and them turning to Jesus, humbles me.

As much it still hurts to talk about, I've come along way. It is nothing like it was. God showed me that He loves me no matter what. He somehow taught me how to show His love to other people. He showed me that even though I was in pain, I'm so much more than the pain I felt those long sleepless nights. I remember I had one night where I just lost it. I wanted to die so bad... Someone said something that just ripped me apart.. I had my makeup all over my hands from wipping the tears, and normally that gets on my nerves a little when its on my hands, but not that night. I didn't care. I didn't want to care anymore.. It was the worst day of my life.

I didn't like what was being done to me inside... and I couldn't stop it from happening wither. I didn't know what to do that night. I was feeling alot of pain and anger, and so confused about God and if He really was there. I know He was there, because I'm here today thanks to Him and those who helped me through that tough year. I love you guys :)


I hope you're blessed by my story of 2010. :) Of course, there are parts that have been left out or forgoten, but oh well. :)